That's intense
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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