Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
