walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
