Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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