then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
