On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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