If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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