1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
