Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
