I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
