If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
