I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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