I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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