Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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