The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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