There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
