don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
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She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
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