i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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