Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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