i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
