i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
