Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
