Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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