3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
