this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
