My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
