I am spending my child support on dildos
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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