Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
