he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
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