i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
