glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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