Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Drunk is not a location!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
