everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
