You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
whose parrot is this?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
