I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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