I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
