That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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