Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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