I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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