My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
