We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Your penis caused this!
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
