You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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