I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
