I just cut my nipple shaving
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
