You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
