i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
