The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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