Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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