omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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