I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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