Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
