well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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