Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
