a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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