I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
